The first time I met you, I was a hopeless mess. I had emotional breakdowns from my heartbreak and the stress I get from school and friends, and family. I was a complete wreck. I wanted to fix myself but I don’t know where to start. It’s like one wrong word, or one wrong move, and I will self-destruct.
I was fragile.
I wanted to be strong.
I wanted to be tough.
I want to change.
I want to learn how to love myself. Because only until then, I can love others. The genuine love, and not just the idea of love.
I want to live for myself and not for others. I want to live happily, doing the things I am passionate about.
Just once, I want to be the main person. I want to be the person in control of my own story. I want to be the main protagonist. I want to experience the things that only the protagonist experiences. Becoming the best of the best, is what I wanted to be.
Until I met you.
For the first time, I felt different. I felt something that I have never felt with anyone before, a sense of security, and belongingness. Your sudden appearance in my life crashed the walls I built in my heart. I wanted to keep the promise I did for myself. But because of you, everything fell apart.
Because of your sudden appearance in my life, I began to change. Not for you, but for myself. I started seeing the best in me. I started believing in myself. You gave me another chance to believe again that maybe, just maybe, Cupid accurately shot the arrow to the right person.
I was looking for signs. Signs that you are the answer to all my questions. But I can’t decide which signs should I ask for. I was scared. I was scared that it is not you. I want it to be you. Because you made me feel alive again. You made me believe in myself again. And most importantly, you made me happy.
I thought I was getting close to getting some answers, but I guess not. Maybe, this is a sign that I was wrong again. I should let it go. Let my feelings for you subside and focus on other things, and improving myself. But I am still silently hoping that we end up together. Because I still want “The One” to be you.
I didn’t ask for someone right away. I wanted time for myself. T’was a promise that I need to fulfill. But in such an unexpected way, I met you. Back then, I had no idea a stranger would have such a huge impact in my life. Now I think that I will break my promise to myself. If you are really the one, you came too soon. And you came in the most important day of my life. If you are the one, then God has given me the best gift I could ever receive in the past 20 years. Thankfully you entered my life early because this is the time I needed you most. And since I met you, I noticed changes in my life. Changes within myself. You made me want to become a better person. And for so long, I felt comfort I never once felt with anyone before. I started believing in fate again. And because of you, I am afraid I am falling again.
(I still can’t think of a proper title for this entry)
In order to achieve something you want, you must work hard to attain it. Keep going until it is close enough for you to reach.
What if you keep trying and you’ve been putting all your efforts yet it still seems too far? You keep trying and trying, and eventually you get tired. Will you give up? Or will you carry on?
Letting go of something does not mean you haven’t tried enough or you did not give it your best shot. You did. But there are some things that are never meant for us. That no matter how hard we try and put in all the effort, things will not work out.
For some, they work hard to keep whatever they have. As to others, they have to chase after that something. However, if that something is not meant for us, it will never be given to us. If you are already in possession of that something, you can’t keep holding on to it if it is never meant to stay. Eventually, you’ll have to let go.
Based on my experience, I realized that everything really happens for a reason. It is tough to let go of something, especially your dreams. But giving up on some things may lead to something extraordinary. Sometimes, more than you can imagine. Blessings you never asked for. And as time went by, I realized that for the first time, everything is falling into place.
There was a time in my life where I was so helpless. It was the time after high school when I was trying to get in to University or College (however you want to call it). I had my life planned out. Then one day when my plan did not go as I wanted, everything shattered. I felt that my life is being torn apart. At that moment, I felt empty. Like I no longer need to exist. I’m useless. I felt alone. But I still tried to keep it together. Because I realized that it was a lesson for me. That maybe I need to give my very best shot and put more effort. So I did. I went upgrading to raise my grades. Everything was going well. Slowly, I was putting back together the shattered pieces of myself. My grades improved. I thought that finally, everything is falling into place. But that’s only what I thought.
I cried every night. I asked so many questions. Why do some things never work out no matter how hard I try? Was I being punished? Do I need to add more effort? Is this a test? Is everything only a dream?
I really don’t understand. I gave my very best shot. I was frustrated about my life. Again, I felt the emptiness and the worthlessness of my existence. I was asking myself multiple times “what is the point of living if I don’t follow my dreams?” I was on the brink of giving up. But then I realized there are still other ways to go back to my path so I cannot give up. I have to choose. Either to chase after my dreams where there is no guarantee or take a chance on something close to my dream where there is certainty?
Sometimes, we have to be content and settle to a dream that is close for the meantime. And when time permits, we can pursue our lifelong dream. It may take longer, but it is possible.
I questioned life’s fairness multiple times. But right now, I think it is safe to say that life is indeed fair. Even if we have planned things out for ourselves, it may never work out because some things are just never meant for us to possess. That even our very best is never good enough. We have to give up chasing after something or someone for us to see beyond our perspective. Something more or greater is waiting for us. We just have to let things flow naturally.
“Sometimes when things are falling apart, they may actually be falling into place.”
I thought my dreams shattered. I thought it was hopeless. However, I realized that at times, life surprises us with gifts in which, we may or may not be aware of that make our hearts flutter. We meet new people, make new friends, gain new experiences. And as time goes by, we mature and we grow more as an individual.
Now I understand. It’s as if the universe is trying to tell me something. There are several reasons why my life did not work out the way I wanted it to be. And putting these reasons altogether may lead to something more definite. I believe that one day I will eventually grasp everything. I will stop asking questions. Because the answer I have been waiting for has finally arrived.
I just felt like writing this type of entry. I cannot concentrate studying for my midterms and I thought about my future and this so right now I am writing this entry. I just wanted to share my bucket list, that hopefully I’ll be able to check off in the near future.
First in my list is to graduate college and find a decent job so I can repay my parents for working hard in order for me to become successful in life.
I don’t really have a second priority so I’ll just put my list in a random order. Most are places I want to go to.
Travel to Maldives. I know it is quite impossible right now but hopefully in the future when I become successful I can go there with the people or a personwho hold(s) a special place in my heart. I know Maldives is really costly but an alternative would be anywhere there is a beach because I really love the sound of the waves.
Asian tour. If I have money, all I’ll do is travel to different parts of the world. Aside from Maldives, I would also like to go on an Asian tour and I really want to visit South Korea since I am a huge fan of K-pop and Korean food.
Re-visit Palawan with the person I’m going to marry. I love that place so much. It’s very serene.
Visit the Philippines and re-learn it’s history. It has been 7 years since I left so I sort of forgot Philippine history. Therefore, I would like to visit places such as Vigan, Intramuros, Luneta, and those places where it is considered a Philippine historical tourist destination.
To visit Vatican. And attend a mass with the Pope as the preacher.
Bungee Jumping or Sky Diving. I’m not an acrophobic but Sky Diving really scares me. I have always been brave about trying new things and that is one quality I am proud to possess. Because to me, if I face that one thing I fear most I would be able to conquer anything else.
Go Scuba diving so I can see marine life from up close. I would like to experience swimming with the dolphins too. I have done snorkelling before so I have checked that off in my bucket list.
Meet the Backstreet Boys, Westlife, and 98 Degrees. Hopefully.
To find my own Landon (from A Walk To Remember).
To be in a relationship. I want my first relationship to be my last. I have never been in an official relationship because of this reason.
Have my special someone serenade me, or write a song for me.
To receive a handwritten letter. I am old school so I like those things that people call corny nowadays. I am a firm believer that chivalry is not dead.
My first date to be on a place that is serene. I prefer a place where there is water (lakes, beach, falls, or river) because the sound of water really gives me my peace of mind. Maybe a place not too crowded, or a place that is only known to the both of us.
Someone who will give me their jacket. I don’t know, I just find that act so sweet when a guy gives his jacket to his girl.
To receive a weird yet creative gift from someone special.
Since I am a huge fan of Disney, I would like to visit the “happiest place on Earth” on my birthday.
Get married at church. Beach or garden wedding is nice too but I prefer a church wedding since I want my marriage to be sacred.
Learn how to play the guitar. I have one at home and I tried learning it by myself. I only tried. I still can’t play it but hopefully I will be able to play one song.
Do volunteer work. I would like to do an outreach program. I participated once back in the day and it really feels great to be able to help somebody who is in need.
Fingerpainting. I want to learn how to do it. I am an artist so I appreciate art and I would like to develop my talent in that area. I can only paint using my brush and acrylic so I would like to try something new.
To have a room full of Teddy Bears.
To complete my Care Bears.
Help someone to achieve their dream and passion in life.
Honestly, I have so much things I want to do in life. The things here in my list are the things I want to do most, things I want to happen in my life. These are the things I have been dreaming about since I was a kid. Maybe I’ll edit this and add more but for now, I’ll leave it at that. And hopefully, I will get to check these all off, or most of it, SOON.
If you like someone but you cannot fully express it, do you think you and him can still happen?
When you know from the very beginning that it is not going to end well, will you still pursue that you and him you are dreaming about?
When you like someone will you be straightforward and let them know? Will you risk something just to have the “we” you are dreaming about?
What if you are friends with him? Are you able to risk your friendship over something that you are unsure of the results?
If at first you know that you two are impossible to happen, will you still go after it? Is he worth it?
You knew the end results.
Would you still go after it?
If it was me and just my brain, I would not. But my heart gets in the way every single time. My brain tells me to stop but my heart is not listening. It never listens. If I knew the end results, I would rather get rid of my feelings. Delete it. Deny it. As early as possible, I want to avoid developing deeper feelings.
My parents raised me to be a conservative lady. To never show a guy that you like him. And until now, I still live with that upbringing. Well not really. I lied. I once liked a guy but I never really told him I liked him. He felt it because I was too obvious. I knew when he found out that I like him, he wouldn’t push “us.” I got frustrated and my heart got broken. I am not even sure if I have completely moved on from him. I guess I have. When I see him, I get no more butterflies in my stomach. It’s still awkward around him but at least, I guess the feelings are no longer there.
Now my answer to the question of “Can We Happen?”
I think it is a matter of allowing yourself to be just yourself. Life is too short to live with regrets. Personally, things are better if they are unplanned. Let life teach you lessons by making mistakes. After all, we’re only humans.
I like it when I learn from my wrong decisions and actions. Because next time, I know what to do.
So, if you feel like confessing, do it with no hesitations. Just do it.
Accept rejections even though it hurts.
In every pain we receive, we build ourselves to become even stronger.
Let others judge you. As long as you live doing what makes you happy.
Me, I don’t want to live with regrets. Therefore, I must enjoy whatever I have at the moment because like what Dory said “best things in life happen by chance.”
Nothing is permanent in this world, but the memories last forever.
…And another year has passed. Surely, time flies by really fast. I am already in my 20s and another memory was collected along the way.
A week or two weeks before my birthday, my parents were asking me what I want to do on my birthday, or what I want to get as my birthday present. But I cannot give a proper answer since I, myself, do not know what I want to do on my twentieth. When I was little, I was always excited for Christmas and my birthday since I get presents but when I turned 18, I felt like it is not what I wanted anymore.Honestly, I am not a materialistic person. Simple things make me happy. For example, if you just remembered my birthday and greeted me, or put in the time and effort to make me happy. Simple thoughts, simple acts, the little things. Nowadays, it is the non-material things that make me smile.
On the day of my birthday when I woke up, I found a present on my study table on top of my Pathology textbook. I was kind of hesitant to open it. I don’t want to be too excited because I tend to jinx myself whenever I do that. Though I have an idea, I still do not want to assume because if it is not what I expected it to be, it will only be frustrating.
To be honest, I was not really expecting anything from them. I thought they will just ask me to go shopping since I did not tell them what I wanted (but I told my sister that I kind of wanted a polaroid). I did not know that she was going to tell them and actually buy one for me. I felt happy and excited. So, on that day I was really excited to come to school. It was an enough birthday present for me actually, I could not ask for more. But just when I was not expecting anything …
Okay, the present does not end there. One was enough for me, but I got another one, or two from my friends. We decided to do a potluck in school to celebrate my birthday, again (I’ll talk about the other one later). So, yeah we did a potluck, I brought sushi, my friends brought fruits, ddeokbokki (Korean spicy/sweet rice cake), and cake. Who would have thought they would actually bring cake. So, I came to school around 12:30 – 1 pm. I was so excited to eat already but my friend, Danita told me “Chloie, I’ll just grab something from the car” and my response was “Sure, go ahead.” I thought she will just grab her food from her car but when she came back, she brought a huge black bag with something big inside and she gave it to me. AGAIN, I WAS NOT EXPECTING ANYTHING.
For sure, you guys can clearly see from the picture above what was inside the huge black bag. I was speechless because I never thought they would give me a huge Teddy Bear on my birthday. I LOVE TEDDY BEARS! I recalled a day when my parents asked if I wanted a watch or a Teddy Bear, with no hesitations I answered a Teddy Bear. I will NEVER EVER switch my Teddy Bear for something else. But back on track, yeah I was speechless. I have a video that my friend took while I was opening the black bag but I looked hella ugly so sorry, nope.
If you notice, I was also holding that minion candy holder (it sings too), I got it from my friend, Kim Bok Joo. She told me her reason as to why she bought it for me but I think it is best if I keep it to myself. We enjoyed the food, and we were all full before going to our lab. But hey, food tastes better if you eat with your friends.
Okay, so I mentioned earlier that I was having my birthday celebration with my friends AGAIN. Yeah again, because Friday the 20th of January, I celebrated it with my friends already with some new friends. I did not want to celebrate my birthday on my actual birthdate because we have a midterm the next day, but obviously we still celebrated and I did not even study for my midterm. Going back on track, my early birthday celebration was spent on the south side of Edmonton because we decided to play Escape and also because I have never tried it before, it was my first time. But first, we went to Popeye’s to eat chicken. I do not usually go to the south side because it is too far and my dad does not really like driving to far places. So going there felt like a long drive to me. Anyway, so we went to Popeye’s but there were a lot of people so we decided to eat at my friend’s house (Aleksi’s house). We stayed at her house for an hour or two, not sure I forgot. We ate and I played the video game Tekken once, but I guess I am not born as a gamer so I lost.
Now, my Escape experience story-telling starts. The place we went to is called Escape Emporium. You go into a room and find codes, open the locks, and try to escape. I was really excited since it is my first time. I always wanted to go on one but none of my friends were willing to come with me. We went to the Vampire themed room. I was expecting it to be a big room but it was small and dark. We were only given 45 minutes to escape. I guess I was too excited so when it started, I felt panicky. I was following my friend because I do not have a flashlight (and we don’t have enough). I did not even know what I was looking for, and where to look for it. Fastforward to 10 minutes or less that was left on the clock, we were trying to solve the last lock. I have no idea how to solve it and we already gave up but they gave us one more clue to do math. I think there were only 2 minutes, or a minute left when they gave us the clue. I guess since we were all in panic mode (I guess it was just me), we were unable to do math but I jumped in and solved it. With only seconds left, we opened the last lock and I was surprised there was another room. I thought it was over but they gave us 10 more minutes to try to open the other door to escape. Again, there were locks that needs a code, and there were numbers everywhere. I was just blank the whole time. I felt like my brain was so drained that it cannot function normally anymore. There was one station where we need to get the ball out of a cage but like they say “desperate times call for desperate measures” so we cheated. We used a stick to take the ball out from the cage and we did. In the end, we opened the door but we ran out of time. Though I felt tired after, I enjoyed the game with my friends and new friends. I really had a great time. It was an another first-time for keeps.
After the game, we went back to my friend’s house to clean up and pack up. I still have work the next day so I have to go home early and sleep early. I wanted to stay but I can’t. My friend drove me home, but since I was too tired I fell asleep in the car. And when I got home, I could not sleep anymore. I guess I was too happy. So, I went to work the next day like a walking zombie.
“You can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back” (quoted by Mitch Albom). Indeed, it is true. Time can never be reversed. Never. The only thing we can do is cherish every moment, every second of our life. Time is a precious gift. We can never rewind the moments but the memories remain.
I have always been grateful and thankful to God for waking me up in the morning. And on my twentieth, the first thing I did was thank Him for giving me another year of my life. I feel satisfied. Though I did not have a big party, I was given a chance to celebrate my special day with the special people in my life. My life may not be perfect, I may not have things (material or non-material) that other people has, but I am thankful for everything I have. I am content. I am happy.
I am happy because I am content.
I thank God for blessing me a great family. For giving me such great friends. This is one unforgettable birthday celebration that happened in my last twenty years. Never had more than one surprise on my birthday.
On my twentieth, I realized I was blessed. Big time. It was not the material gifts that made me entirely happy on my special day. It was the people who made my day special and extraordinary. It was their thought and effort to make me happy on my birthday. It was the time spent with them that is worth for keeps. I am more than thankful to have those people around me.
I never wanted to look back.
I tried to forget.
But my mind cannot seem to stop remembering
one of the most heartbreaking seconds of my life.
I am still reminded of the awkward silence between you and me.
The moment that has become my sweetest nightmare.
As I see the coldness in your eyes, and your face turning pale,
all at once it has hit me.
No spoken words are needed.
Cold stillness is all there is,
the warmest response you can give.
Then I walked away with no intention of turning back.
Towards the brightness of the sun,
with thoughts of feeling the warmth I long to feel.
For it is the only answer I can give
on a one cold summer day.