Posted in Writings

Thank You

 

The first time I met you, I was a hopeless mess. I had emotional breakdowns from my heartbreak and the stress I get from school and friends, and family. I was a complete wreck. I wanted to fix myself but I don’t know where to start. It’s like one wrong word, or one wrong move, and I will self-destruct.

I was fragile.

I wanted to be strong.

I wanted to be tough.

I want to change. 

I want to learn how to love myself. Because only until then, I can love others. The genuine love, and not just the idea of love.

I want to live for myself and not for others. I want to live happily, doing the things I am passionate about.

Just once, I want to be the main person. I want to be the person in control of my own story. I want to be the main protagonist. I want to experience the things that only the protagonist experiences. Becoming the best of the best, is what I wanted to be.

Until I met you.

For the first time, I felt different. I felt something that I have never felt with anyone before,     a sense of security, and belongingness. Your sudden appearance in my life crashed the walls I built in my heart. I wanted to keep the promise I did for myself. But because of you, everything fell apart.

Because of your sudden appearance in my life, I began to change. Not for you, but for myself. I started seeing the best in me. I started believing in myself. You gave me another chance to believe again that maybe, just maybe, Cupid accurately shot the arrow to the right person.

I was looking for signs. Signs that you are the answer to all my questions. But I can’t decide which signs should I ask for. I was scared. I was scared that it is not you. I want it to be you. Because you made me feel alive again. You made me believe in myself again. And most importantly, you made me happy.

I thought I was getting close to getting some answers, but I guess not. Maybe, this is a sign that I was wrong again. I should let it go. Let my feelings for you subside and focus on other things, and improving myself. But I am still silently hoping that we end up together. Because I still want “The One” to be you.

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Posted in Writings

Falling Again

I didn’t ask for someone right away. I wanted time for myself. T’was a promise that I need to fulfill. But in such an unexpected way, I met you. Back then, I had no idea a stranger would have such a huge impact in my life. Now I think that I will break my promise to myself. If you are really the one, you came too soon. And you came in the most important day of my life. If you are the one, then God has given me the best gift I could ever receive in the past 20 years. Thankfully you entered my life early because this is the time I needed you most. And since I met you, I noticed changes in my life. Changes within myself. You made me want to become a better person. And for so long, I felt comfort I never once felt with anyone before. I started believing in fate again. And because of you, I am afraid I am falling again.

Posted in Writings

Two Lost Souls

 

She holds on to something glowing.

With a little light from this small treasure,

She struggles to find her way out in the darkness.

Following the thin red thread tied on her wrist,

she walks, hoping that it will lead her to a sanctuary.

She hears different voices, telling her different things.

To her, those are murmurs and incomprehensible speech.

Nevertheless, she kept holding on to the thread.

He walks in the middle of the dark,

collecting the bright shattered pieces of his heart.

Along the walls, and on the floor he picks, even the tiniest bit.

He follows the red string tied on his wrist,

as it takes him to the unknown,

With hopes that it will lead him to the last missing piece.

But for so long and for an unknown reason,

his incomplete heart started beating again.

As the thread gets shorter,

hearts beat even faster.

Two lost souls find each other.

As she puts the last piece of his heart,

everything turned white and bright.

It never could have felt so right.

Posted in Writings

The Question of Why Do We Have To Let Go?

(I still can’t think of a proper title for this entry)

In order to achieve something you want, you must work hard to attain it. Keep going until it is close enough for you to reach.

What if you keep trying and you’ve been putting all your efforts yet it still seems too far? You keep trying and trying, and eventually you get tired. Will you give up? Or will you carry on?

Letting go of something does not mean you haven’t tried enough or you did not give it your best shot. You did. But there are some things that are never meant for us. That no matter how hard we try and put in all the effort, things will not work out.

For some, they work hard to keep whatever they have. As to others, they have to chase after that something. However, if that something is not meant for us, it will never be given to us. If you are already in possession of that something, you can’t keep holding on to it if it is never meant to stay. Eventually, you’ll have to let go.

Based on my experience, I realized that everything really happens for a reason. It is tough to let go of something, especially your dreams. But giving up on some things may lead to something extraordinary. Sometimes, more than you can imagine. Blessings you never asked for. And as time went by, I realized that for the first time, everything is falling into place.

There was a time in my life where I was so helpless. It was the time after high school when I was trying to get in to University or College (however you want to call it). I had my life planned out. Then one day when my plan did not go as I wanted, everything shattered. I felt that my life is being torn apart. At that moment, I felt empty. Like I no longer need to exist. I’m useless. I felt alone. But I still tried to keep it together. Because I realized that it was a lesson for me. That maybe I need to give my very best shot and put more effort. So I did. I went upgrading to raise my grades. Everything was going well. Slowly, I was putting back together the shattered pieces of myself. My grades improved. I thought that finally, everything is falling into place. But that’s only what I thought.

I cried every night. I asked so many questions. Why do some things never work out no matter how hard I try? Was I being punished? Do I need to add more effort? Is this a test? Is everything only a dream?

I really don’t understand. I gave my very best shot. I was frustrated about my life. Again, I felt the emptiness and the worthlessness of my existence. I was asking myself multiple times “what is the point of living if I don’t follow my dreams?”  I was on the brink of giving up. But then I realized there are still other ways to go back to my path so I cannot give up. I have to choose. Either to chase after my dreams where there is no guarantee or take a chance on something close to my dream where there is certainty?

Sometimes, we have to be content and settle to a dream that is close for the meantime. And when time permits, we can pursue our lifelong dream. It may take longer, but it is possible.

I questioned life’s fairness multiple times. But right now, I think it is safe to say that life is indeed fair. Even if we have planned things out for ourselves, it may never work out because some things are just never meant for us to possess. That even our very best is never good enough. We have to give up chasing after something or someone for us to see beyond our perspective. Something more or greater is waiting for us. We just have to let things flow naturally.

“Sometimes when things are falling apart, they may actually be falling into place.”

I thought my dreams shattered. I thought it was hopeless. However, I realized that at times, life surprises us with gifts    in which, we may or may not be aware of    that make our hearts flutter. We meet new people, make new friends, gain new experiences. And as time goes by, we mature and we grow more as an individual.

Now I understand. It’s as if the universe is trying to tell me something. There are several reasons why my life did not work out the way I wanted it to be. And putting these reasons altogether may lead to something more definite. I believe that one day I will eventually grasp everything. I will stop asking questions. Because the answer I have been waiting for has finally arrived.

Posted in My thoughts on..., Writings

My Bucket List

I just felt like writing this type of entry. I cannot concentrate studying for my midterms and I thought about my future and this so right now I am writing this entry. I just wanted to share my bucket list, that hopefully I’ll be able to check off in the near future.

  1. First in my list is to graduate college and find a decent job so I can repay my parents for working hard in order for me to become successful in life.

I don’t really have a second priority so I’ll just put my list in a random order. Most are places I want to go to.

  • Travel to Maldives. I know it is quite impossible right now but hopefully in the future when I become successful I can go there with the people    or a person  who hold(s) a special place in my heart. I know Maldives is really costly but an alternative would be anywhere there is a beach because I really love the sound of the waves.
  • Asian tour. If I have money, all I’ll do is travel to different parts of the world. Aside from Maldives, I would also like to go on an Asian tour and I really want to visit South Korea since I am a huge fan of K-pop and Korean food.
  • Re-visit Palawan with the person I’m going to marry. I love that place so much. It’s very serene.
  • Visit the Philippines and re-learn it’s history. It has been 7 years since I left so I sort of forgot Philippine history. Therefore, I would like to visit places such as Vigan, Intramuros, Luneta, and those places where it is considered a Philippine historical tourist destination.
  • To visit Vatican. And attend a mass with the Pope as the preacher.
  • Bungee Jumping or Sky Diving. I’m not an acrophobic but Sky Diving really scares me. I have always been brave about trying new things and that is one quality I am proud to possess. Because to me, if I face that one thing I fear most I would be able to conquer anything else.
  • Go Scuba diving so I can see marine life from up close. I would like to experience swimming with the dolphins too. I have done snorkelling before so I have checked that off in my bucket list.
  • Meet the Backstreet Boys, Westlife, and 98 Degrees. Hopefully.
  • To find my own Landon (from A Walk To Remember).
  • To be in a relationship. I want my first relationship to be my last. I have never been in an official relationship because of this reason.
  • Have my special someone serenade me, or write a song for me.
  • To receive a handwritten letter. I am old school so I like those things that people call corny nowadays. I am a firm believer that chivalry is not dead.
  • My first date to be on a place that is serene. I prefer a place where there is water (lakes, beach, falls, or river) because the sound of water really gives me my peace of mind. Maybe a place not too crowded, or a place that is only known to the both of us.
  • Someone who will give me their jacket. I don’t know, I just find that act so sweet when a guy gives his jacket to his girl.
  • To receive a weird yet creative gift from someone special.
  • Since I am a huge fan of Disney, I would like to visit the “happiest place on Earth” on my birthday.
  • Get married at church. Beach or garden wedding is nice too but I prefer a church wedding since I want my marriage to be sacred.
  • Learn how to play the guitar. I have one at home and I tried learning it by myself. I only tried. I still can’t play it but hopefully I will be able to play one song.
  • Lose weight.
  • Do volunteer work. I would like to do an outreach program. I participated once back in the day and it really feels great to be able to help somebody who is in need.
  • Fingerpainting. I want to learn how to do it. I am an artist so I appreciate art and I would like to develop my talent in that area. I can only paint using my brush and acrylic so I would like to try something new.
  • To have a room full of Teddy Bears. 
  • To complete my Care Bears. 
  • Help someone to achieve their dream and passion in life.

Honestly, I have so much things I want to do in life. The things here in my list are the things I want to do most, things I want to happen in my life. These are the things I have been dreaming about since I was a kid. Maybe I’ll edit this and add more but for now, I’ll leave it at that. And hopefully, I will get to check these all off, or most of it, SOON.

Posted in My thoughts on..., Writings

The Question of Can We Happen?

If you like someone but you cannot fully express it, do you think you and him can still happen? 

When you know from the very beginning that it is not going to end well, will you still pursue that you and him you are dreaming about?

When you like someone will you be straightforward and let them know? Will you risk something just to have the “we” you are dreaming about? 

What if you are friends with him? Are you able to risk your friendship over something that you are unsure of the results? 

If at first you know that you two are impossible to happen, will you still go after it? Is he worth it? 

You knew the end results.

Would you still go after it? 

If it was me and just my brain, I would not. But my heart gets in the way every single time. My brain tells me to stop but my heart is not listening. It never listens. If I knew the end results, I would rather get rid of my feelings. Delete it. Deny it. As early as possible, I want to avoid developing deeper feelings.

My parents raised me to be a conservative lady. To never show a guy that you like him. And until now, I still live with that upbringing. Well not really. I lied. I once liked a guy but I never really told him I liked him. He felt it because I was too obvious. I knew when he found out that I like him, he wouldn’t push “us.” I got frustrated and my heart got broken. I am not even sure if I have completely moved on from him. I guess I have. When I see him, I get no more butterflies in my stomach. It’s still awkward around him but at least, I guess the feelings are no longer there.

Now my answer to the question of “Can We Happen?”

I think it is a matter of allowing yourself to be just yourself. Life is too short to live with regrets. Personally, things are better if they are unplanned. Let life teach you lessons by making mistakes. After all, we’re only humans.

I like it when I learn from my wrong decisions and actions. Because next time, I know what to do.

So, if you feel like confessing, do it with no hesitations. Just do it.

Accept rejections even though it hurts.

In every pain we receive, we build ourselves to become even stronger.

Let others judge you. As long as you live doing what makes you happy.

Me, I don’t want to live with regrets. Therefore, I must enjoy whatever I have at the moment because like what Dory said “best things in life happen by chance.”

Nothing is permanent in this world, but the memories last forever.

Let your story be the best. Live with no regrets.

So, my answer would be YES.

Posted in My thoughts on..., Writings

To You (In the Future)

Dear,

Where have you been?

Finally, you have arrived

How was your journey?

I know you got lost a couple times

But look, you found your way back to me

You are the gift I have been waiting to receive.

I never asked for a Prince Charming who will be my knight and shining armour

I asked for a friend who will be by my side when times are tough.

I asked for a friend who will make me laugh, who will wipe my tears away.

But God sent me someone who is not just a friend, but an angel,

Who will guide me through my decisions.

Someone who will stay by my side forever.

He who refuses the frown I put on my face.

Endless happiness, your promise for me.

From the moment I met you, I just knew,

That you will fulfill that vow.

Because I saw it all in your eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Random Journals

Random Journal Entry 5: 2017-02-23

First thing I did when I woke up: Always the first thing is check my phone.

Highlight of the day: Nothing special.

I am feeling: MAD but I have no right to be so I’m feeling SAD. That is because of a certain someone.

Random Thoughts: Right now, nothing is just going through my head. I’m just feeling mad. See, this is why I don’t expect too much because the disappointment I get is twice as high. I don’t even have the right to be mad to that person right now because I just don’t have the right to be. I don’t understand myself anymore. I am sad because I am not used to feeling this way. I feel so helpless. I want to stop. As early as possible, I want to get rid of these         .

Will you ever push through being with someone when you know from the very beginning that it is not going to end well?

Posted in Random Journals

Random Journal Entry 4: 2017-02-08

First thing I did when I woke up: Checked the time on my phone.

Highlight of the day: My dream. It felt so real.

I am feeling: Confused because of my sudden change of feelings.

Random Thoughts: I guess it is normal for people to be infatuated. Can you force your heart to stop beating for someone? You knew the end results, why do you keep going after it? It does not make sense. But if it is only easy to stop your heart from falling for someone, then nobody would get hurt, no one would shed a tear. I have a promise I kept to myself and I am really good at marking my words. But this time, how would I do that? How can I fulfill my promise to myself if my heart cannot stop beating for someone? It is only an infatuation but I don’t want to make the same mistakes over and over and over again. I know for sure what the end results would be. As early as possible, I want to get myself to stop. It is only me who can save myself from Cupid’s arrow.

Today was an ok day. I feel ok but at the same time scared. I wanted to tell my bestfriend a secret but I couldn’t. I guess, this time I shall keep it to myself.

Posted in Writings

Dreams

I heard your voice in the dark,

Telling me to look behind and watch myself.

I heard you curse while I walked towards the shadow behind me.

I was an inch closer to the shadow when a rough hand pulled me away.

With just one touch, I knew it was you.

You were out of breath because you ran with all your might only to save me

Was I that special?

The madness in your eyes were comforting.

Your sweet mad voice is music to my ears.

But murmurs and familiar voices made its presence in the blackness.

I looked around to see their faces but darkness is all there is.

Chasing these voices means letting you go.

I couldn’t.

I wanted to stay in your embrace.

I wanted to keep holding your hand.

I wanted to keep hearing your voice.

I wanted to keep seeing your face.

Even just in my dreams.